When change doesn’t go as planned
Part 2 of GOOD CHANGE
Welcome to At The End Of the Day! I’m Hannah Sung and I write this newsletter for a people-first perspective on the news. Shout out to Chatelaine for partnering with me on this three-part series on Good Change. Forward this email to a friend.
The past few years have been so weird. Amid all the change in a Covid world, brought on by public health and safety measures, individuals have been making major life changes, too. You see it in headlines about the Great Resignation or stories of people moving out of expensive cities to more affordable, smaller towns.
For me, during the first two years of the pandemic, the only thing that wasn’t changing was my outfit (excuse me while I burn my jogging pants forever – I may turn it into a bonfire this long weekend and make it a party).
All too often, the narrative around a huge life change is “success” — a big choice that ended up being the best decision ever, et cetera, et cetera. But that doesn’t reflect real life. Sometimes we take a risk and realize that what follows isn’t what’s best for us. Sometimes we look back with regret. I know because I’ve been there. It made me consider:
What happens when you leap into change and it doesn’t work out?
A classic pandemic story
This is my friend, Day. We’ve partied together on both sides of the great divide (Covid? No! Having kids!).
(Left to right: Day Milman and me, her long-time friend and admirer)
This pic is from her birthday, the last party I went to before the first lockdown of 2020. Around that time, Day applied to a graduate program at the University of Toronto. That’s also where she works, supporting student wellness and mental health through the arts. Her work is fulfilling, but she craved change.
“I decided to go back to school in a program I was really interested in. I really thought this was going to be the fit of the century,” Day says. The program was a masters degree in psychotherapy and spiritual care.
“What a beautiful thing, to be in a space where you can talk about all the deep, juicy stuff of life. All of that just thrilled me to bits.”
This idea of this program was a dream for Day. But the Zoom aspect of it was not.
“A lot is lost when you’re online.” Day had been looking forward to impassioned discussions in a classroom setting. “But all the organic vibing, passion and excitement can really drain out of the room in a Zoom environment when everyone’s waiting and on mute. Everyone’s really polite, which is awesome, but it also dampens the environment I was expecting to have.”
Outside of her Zoom classes, Day was trying to balance her job (she was doing the masters program part-time) as well as having her child at home with schools closed, and supporting an elderly neighbour with transportation to appointments and help with groceries.
“It was sort of a classic pandemic story in a way, where you are looking for some change, you made that change and then the pandemic brought its own limitations and challenges,” she says. “But there’s also things about myself that I recognized weren’t fitting with that program.”
For Day, there wasn’t enough discussion on white privilege embedded in the conversations. She felt there was some discomfort with bringing that topic forward. That, coupled with the other, unexpected elements of doing the program online, made her realize it wasn’t the right fit.
So she quit after six months. I was surprised. But I was also proud of her for walking away.
How do we practice quitting?
Over the phone this week, Day reminded me that this wasn’t the first time she’d quit a degree (FYI, she has also finished multiple degrees; we laughed that she just likes to collect them).
Years ago, Day had been pursuing a communications and culture PhD part-time that she didn’t complete.
“That was very, very hard for me to quit. My pride was wrapped up in that,” she says. “My status in the world and my career trajectory and all that.”
But the timing wasn’t right. Her dad had just died. “I remember bursting into tears walking into Robarts library because it was so lonely there,” Day says.
Nothing seemed to be flowing. Not only was it a personally challenging time, there were administration mix-ups that made it feel like the universe was putting up hurdles.
Day kept plugging away, completing the first year and hanging on through the summer before finally making her next big decision. She calls it a moment of power.
“I was able to say, ‘This is about me. This doesn’t work for me.’” It took a long time to admit it to herself, but today, Day takes pride in her decision to quit — especially in relation to her job working with students at U of T. For some students, their entire identities can be wrapped up in what they’re studying. University is a high-pressure environment, and changing course can be seen as failing, even when it’s an important part of personal growth.
“I’ve been able to draw on some of my experience to tell my students, and myself, too, that sometimes it’s okay to leave something that doesn’t work for you. It’s not because you’re not capable. It simply doesn’t work for you and that’s okay.”
“You can’t learn without failing. Imagine if we failed and then gave up on walking? Or talking? What a nightmare!” Day laughs.
It’s so true that toddlers have an amazing, inborn sense of bouncing back to try again. How do we reconnect with that energy?
At least part of the answer has to lie in reframing failure. It isn’t a fail to re-route our decisions. In fact, that seems like the very definition of wisdom.
Day believes in trusting your gut. It’s just another way of describing how we process information that is based on understanding our emotions. That emotional information is valid.
I know what it’s like to trust your gut but I also know what it’s like to continually override gut feelings, too. And when we ignore the parts of ourselves that are being compromised to get that degree or stick it out in a job or remain in a bad friendship, we end up losing more than we think.
“For me, there’s a huge lesson about recognizing when that compromise is too much. What is actually going to make me thrive? Where am I going to be able to give the most and still be a happy human? I think that is damn important.”
Me too. And I’m grateful to Day for taking the time for a catch-up call with me this week. If you have a friend you haven’t talked to in awhile, why not call them? As I talked to Day, I laid on a yoga block and I promise you, it was a half-hour highlight of my week.
This calls for cake
A big thing happened in our household this week. My husband and very first reader of this newsletter (ha ha, part of the job description of living with me), celebrated a milestone yesterday with an art installation and by defending his MFA thesis. There was cake!
In fact, Isaac embarked on this path in 2017 before a car accident and concussion derailed that plan, which I wrote about here and here. He also realized, like Day, that the program itself wasn’t a great fit so he applied elsewhere a couple of years later. It has taken a circuitous path with an unexpected pandemic in between, but sometimes we still end up where we want to be, having taken a different route. Congrats, Isaac! The whole family is so proud.
Advice column — what’s the big choice you’re making?
On Instagram I asked whether you’ve made a change during the pandemic and whether it’s working out.
For some, like Carrie, who left a corporate job to work at a flower farm (!!!) it has worked out happily.
Mandy moved from Morocco, back home to Canada, and is thinking about next steps in her travel career.
For Emma, making a big change has been a mixed experience. Emma quit her job and now looks after her 95-year-old grandmother part-time (your Nana is lucky to have you, Emma!).
Are you thinking about a major life decision? The next part of this series is an Advice Column and you know I love writing them.
Are you looking for advice on a life decision you’re making right now?
Hit reply to write me back and I’ll do my best to answer.
Happy long weekend! Thank you for reading,
Hannah
✨✨✨ At The End Of the Day is edited by Laura Hensley ✨✨✨
This column is part two of a three-part series on Good Change, produced in partnership with Chatelaine.
Here are two great reads from them to continue your weekend reading.
6 Women On WFH, Going Back To The Office—And Never Having Left
I Have Autism. Finally, There’s A TV Series That’s Portraying It Right
12 Passover Recipes For When You’re Sick Of Jam And MatzahIf you’re celebrating Passover, wishing you a peace- and hope-filled Seder.
Further Reading
'Great Resignation' or just greater expectations?, CBC
So long Toronto: COVID-19 pandemic hastens Canada's urban exodus, Reuters
Yes, Montrealers are moving to the country, but urban life is still thriving, Montreal Gazette
Where you start, there you art: My climate journey, Minimum Viable Planet
After seeing how gas stoves pollute homes, these researchers are ditching theirs, CBC
Canada’s hospital capacity crisis will remain long after the pandemic is over, The Globe and Mail
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